Grateful

I am up late tonight and it's peaceful... because the other 4 people and 2 dogs in this house are sleeping. It's times like this when I can finally stop and hear myself think. It's been awhile since posted... and I felt like I owed the blog followers an update. We are doing well. We're finding ways to cut expenses, I'm interviewing for multiple jobs, investigating childcare options, etc... I feel better about it all than I did just a few weeks ago...

I was beside myself. I think I was so overwhelmed with the thought of not being with Max every minute, that things just overwhelmed me. And now, I think it all makes sense and really, all comes from the same place for me. Fear. I spent so many nights and minutes of every day away from Max and my constant fear was of losing him. I was afraid to let him go, from the moment they let me hold him for the first time. I still cringe just a little bit when anyone else holds him or breathes in his face, or kisses him. I'm starting to let a few people closer to him, but with the immunity issues, we're limited on that... and it's hard for me. I feel so protective of him, so responsible for keeping him alive. It's like we walked out of that NICU, and his life was in our hands. Okay, it's that way when you bring home any baby, but it's magnified like 400 trillion times when it's a micro-preemie.

But after a total meltdown where I literally went with no sleep for a couple of nights and made myself sick... I finally let some of those fears out. I think just admitting how afraid I was of all this, and how sick over the thought of not being by his side every minute... has helped me to find a way to come to grips with all of it.

It's not what we planned... but neither has anything in the past year of our lives been "part of the plan." The bottom line is that we've always found our way through. Sometimes, we still can't believe what we've been able to do and overcome... but I truly believe God has a plan. I may know nothing else... but believing in that gets me through. As hard as it all is and has been... I know already that God had a plan for me. Things in my past that were hard or painful or challenging... have all led me to this point. God intended for me to move countless times to more than a half dozen cities, to meet Troy, to leave TV, to have babies, to get laid off, to go into early labor and to have Max. He intended for me to be Max's mom. He still has plans for me and for Max... and I'm working to follow his plan and not my own.

That's the hardest thing you know. The waiting... I'm not very patient. I'm a control freak. I want things my way and I want them now. But God is teaching me. I've learned patience, understanding, humility, fear, compassion, and acceptance in this year. (among so many other things I'm sure I've forgotten) And now, I'm learning again. I'm learning to get my strength back, to not fear every minute, to relax, to enjoy. I'm grateful for every minute, for every lesson, for every gift God has given me.

Tonight, I watched our 3 beautiful babies playing in the bathtub together. It was wondeful watching them splash and smile and smear bubbles on each other. It was Max's first time really to hang out and play in the tub with his big brother and sister. It was a quick bath, since Mommy worked, dinner was late, and we needed to get everyone into bed before crabby time hit. But, it was wonderful just to see them sweet and clean and together, having fun and doing the stuff that we always thought our 3 kids would do together. It's simple times like this when I catch myself... just enjoying the easy, everyday moments of life.

I don't know his plan yet. I may never know it. But I believe. I believe that he wants what's best for us, that he will guide us, that he will help us. I believe that he has good things in store for us... and I'm grateful for that.