Off the Vent...

Yesterday was a huge day, but also a huge struggle. I arrived at the hospital just in time for morning rounds and the doctor was ready to extubate Max! (take the ventilator tube out of his throat) She had mentioned doing it in the next 48 hours, but this quickly was unexpected.

(picture doctor took of his face just after they pulled off all the tape holding the ventilator, and before putting on his CPAP mask)

About an hour later, Max was wearing his new CPAP mask which still forces air in constantly to keep his lungs open, but he was breathing on his own. He did this all day. No apnea episodes. He never forgot to breathe once, but it was a struggle.

His lungs have fluid and congestion from the ventilator and because they're premature, so they don't inflate as large as they should, and he's just not getting enough oxygen to his body. He is not the pretty pink he was last week, he is pale and gray and struggling to get the oxygen his body needs. He worked his little butt off all day, he had bad blood gas after bad blood gas (the measure of oxygen saturation in his extremities) and they still kept trying to keep him on the CPAP and off the vent.

It's horrible to watch. He is struggling to breathe and never giving up, they are trying to give him every opportunity to succeed because being off the vent will help his lungs to heal, but in the meantime, he needs oxygen rich blood to heal his bowels and help him grow strong. He is only eating pedialyte in TINY amounts right now, and he's is burning off more calories than he takes in, just from struggling to get air.

I want him to succeed. To stay on the CPAP and keep breathing for himself. But there is nothing harder than watching him struggle and suffer while he's doing it. It pained me to leave him last night. I was there from 9:30-6 and then went back from 8-10:30. I just hate leaving him when he's battling this. I sat and held his little hand for 4 hours yesterday afternoon, helping him keep the binky in his mouth, because it helps with the air pressure and just comforting and encouraging him to keep going. It's the first day that I've really felt like he needed me, he wanted me by his side to help him, and I was doing the only thing I could to help him get through this day, which may have been his toughest yet.

He's a fighter, my Mighty Max, and he's making me stronger everyday. We did finally get a good blood gas this morning, so I hope maybe we'll see a turnaround today. Otherwise, they may have to put him back on the vent, and try again in a couple of days.