And on the 19th day...

(warning, get out the tissues!!!!! and stick around for the photo finish...)

Wednesdays have not been good for us in the last month...

3 weeks ago, Wednesday, April 14th, I was mailing our taxes when my water broke and our lives were forever changed. I called Troy, called the doctor, rushed to the hospital, and learned I would not leave until my baby was born. Max came to us 2 days later, 15 weeks early and only weighing 2 lbs and 2 ozs.

2 weeks ago, Wednesday, April 21, we woke up to a phone call from the neo-natologist that Max needed emergency surgery for a perforated bowel. We gave consent over the phone are were told to get to the hospital as fast as possible. We made it in time for me to rush upstairs and see him for a few seconds before surgery, while Troy handed over a dazed Ella and Alex to our friend Gavin who was waiting in the parking lot.

1 week ago, Wednesday, April 28, a deteriorating Max got worse at about 4 p.m. when the doctor told us his heart defect, a PDA, was getting larger and his blood pressure had dropped to a dangerous level. Two specialists recommended he have risky surgery to correct the problem, and they wanted to do this surgery in less than 2 hours.

Today is Wednesday, May 5. It's Alex's birthday. Cinco de Mayo. It's traditionally a good today for us... but I was fearful today, wondering what this next Wednesday would bring.

Max decided to prove everyone wrong today! I came back upstairs from a meeting to find Max on his stomach, up on all fours and apparently trying to crawl out of his crib. The nurse could see he was uncomfortable, and decided to turn him over to see what was wrong. It's then that his large, oozing diaper caught our attention! You see, Max can't eat, and his poop has been pouring out of two drains in his tummy for the past two weeks, while we gave his bowels time to heal. So poop, from the place where you generally expect to see poop come, is a HUGE DEAL! Not only did he poop, he wanted that diaper off. So I changed it and he grew agitated again, this time, FILLING another diaper with the black, gloopy stuff... like manna from heaven! Two big juicy, poopy diapers, from a boy with a drain in his belly is worthy of celebration! (I thought Daddy might crack open a cold one at work he was so excited!!!) But this day got better...

Our nurse stopped the doctor in the hall who came down to see me and celebrate as well. This is big news for Max, and step in the right direction, and hopefully, a sign that his body is healing itself. She was excited too, and she was thrilled to tell me that yes, today was the day to hold Max!!!

It took them almost half and hour to move all the wires and tubes and warm the room and blankets and get a team of 2 NICU nurses and 1 respiratory therapist to move my boy. But, when they lifted that tiny little man and tucked him inside my shirt, my heart stopped, just for a second and I cried. I've waited 19 days for this. Not as long as some moms, longer than others, but long enough, that I was beginning to wonder if he knew me. I wondered if he realized that Troy and I are his parents, that we're here for him, that we're doing everything we can to help him, that we love him so much. When you can barely touch him, or talk to him it's impossible to know if you have that bond you've shared with your other babies, and it's so hard to know if he knows how special he is to this family.

Today I knew and I think he knew. He opened his eyes, snuggled his cheek up against my chest, pulled my finger to his face and snuggled. And Mommy cried. But then, we talked, we napped together for almost an hour, and both of us, were finally at peace. I knew that I had my baby and that he was alive and fighting to survive. He knew that his Mommy was there. He smelled me, touched me, felt my warmth, heard my heartbeat, he didn't drop his oxygen levels or his heart rate, he just snuggled and slept, like a baby should.

My greatest fear has been that I would not hold him, not until he died. I couldn't stand the thought of holding my dead baby. Of not having him know that his Mommy was with him through all this. Today, I was able to let that fear go... maybe not completely, but at least for now. I feel exhausted and relieved. I know tomorrow may be another difficult, rough day, but today was my best day yet with Max. Full of moments that I will never forget.