It was a fine movie and I knew the premise, but I guess I never stopped to think that I'd see a baby, a newborn, in a woman's arms... dying. I wasn't prepared for that... and as I watched the final scenes where she talked about him forgetting how to talk, and how to walk and how to eat that I realized I'm watching that in reverse. It may be slow and painstaking, but Max is growing. He's growing up, growing older, and it's all part of being alive!
Also yesterday, for the 2nd time in as many weeks... Alex talked about a child dying. Last week, we heard sirens, and he said "a baby must have died." Troy and I both talked to him then and explained that babies don't just die everyday and that it was probably a fire alarm or something... but in the back of our minds.. .we knew where it came from. We both looked at one another, a little sad that this far removed from it all, Alex still has those thoughts and fears.
We were driving after preschool yesterday, and Alex started talking about one of his friends... and his sister. I said 'T" doesn't have a sister and Alex said... "Well, I think he did, but she died." We talked about where he came up with that and why he would worry about that and whether it would make him sad.
Alex is not the most enthusiastic big brother so far. He is a good boy, but you won't catch him snuggling or carrying Max around like their big sister. Alex doesn't like to share his stuff and Max in general, is just a nuisance who messes up his train tracks and sucks on his cars. Part of it is just typical sibling rivalry... but part of it is resentment too.
Both kids resent Max in some ways and while we try to deal with and work through it, there are somethings that just can't change. Alex lost his last 4 months as the baby in our family. He lost his 3rd birthday. He lost his big brother class at the hospital... he lost his family while Max was in the hospital and he was shuffled around from place to place so we could care for Max. Even now, he's losing the ability to go and do some things, just because of the germs and the exposure we have to avoid for Max. It's a constant part of our lives.
There are those there are those tender moments for him, when he'll go in to see Max first thing in the morning and I can hear him talking and saying "hi Bubbaloo!" Or when he makes silly faces or sounds in the car just to hear Max giggle and says "look Mommy! I mad him happy!" He loves him... but he's guarded. He doesn't hug or touch Max often... and I wonder if he's afraid to get too close.
I can only imagine this all comes up because we're getting closer to surgery... and much like the rest of us.. his little heart must be worried about his baby brother. Hoping for fewer nightmares, and less talking of children and babies dying and just more fun as a family. My boys both need that!
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