Trying to remember...

There is still so much I don't remember about Max's first days in the NICU. I was pulling together photos from the year today as I start to work on our Christmas card. when I found this one...It's from his first day of life and I don't think I've every posted it anywhere. You can see how battered and bruised he is, that black on his shoulder is a massive bruise, just from being born. He was black and blue up his back and all around his head. I can remember seeing the horrible bruises and wondering what was wrong until the nurse told me it was because my body was shoving him out, until they did the surgery and took him to make it less traumatic on his little body.

I feel like I want to remember these things. These were the early days of Max's life, his beginning. We saw a 7 day old baby at Costco this weekend. She was just a few pounds smaller than Max is now. (although he's almost 6 months) It made me realize that I missed all that time, the first time holding and carrying him around when he was so tiny. When I held him at that size, he was on a ventilator and he had to be taped to my shirt, so he could keep the tubes in to help him breathe.

I found a piece of that tape on a sweater in my closet today. It's a sweater I would drag up to the NICU to put on over my clothes. I guess I hadn't worn it in several months, and that piece of tape survived all this time. It just reminds me how difficult it was, waiting for someone else to tell me it was okay to hold him, to hand him to me, to tape him up so he was secure to let us be together.

Now, sometimes, I just sit and hold him for hours, because I can. I can walk with him talk on the phone with him, sleep with him in my arms and no one can tell me it's not okay. He's finally ours. Finally home.

Those early memories are finally coming back to me. I cherish them. Even the difficult times, because I know all 5 of us carry those scars. We endured so much to get him here.