Back to Work...

Well, I had my first interview today, just over the phone. But I'm looking at several different options right now to go back to work full-time. It's not what we hoped for or planned, but everything has gotten so expensive, and the bills just keep piling up and well, like everyone else, we've made cuts.. but there aren't many more we can make.

So, we need more income and the easiest way for that to happen is for Mommy to go back to work. I've already started the vacation relief work at FOX 4, but we may need something more.

It's a juggle for us to figure out how to make this work. Max's doctor still says "ABSOLUTELY NO" to childcare, so either I work overnights and weekends when Troy can be at home, or I find a position where I make enough for us to hire a nanny to come here and care for Max in our home. We're looking at both... and we're considering every option, even relocation if we need to.

At least if I were gone overnight, Troy would be here with them and we'd avoid any child care cost... but what if they are sick or need something overnight?! How can I say this nicely... Troy needs his beauty sleep. He is not pleasant when he is woken up. I don't like the idea of Mommy not being available if somebody has a bad dream, or a sore throat, or they are puking. Troy is a wonderful Daddy, but these are NOT his strong points. He needs sleep or he is "crabby Daddy!"

Troy is worried that if I work overnight, I'll be the crabby one. I'd be able to sleep once the kids are in bed, say 7:30 until 11. Then I'd be going to work by 11:30 or midnight, so sleep would be a luxury that I wouldn't have much of. It takes a toll on your body and your health. I know. I worked the overnight shift for 8 years in TV and it ages you. My body is not that of a 20 year old anymore. I didn't have the tumor or the migraines then... so can I hack it with only 3-4 hours of sleep a day?

And if I find something full-time in the daytime, then we have to juggle how to get Ella before and after school care, Alex would have to change to a different school and go 5 days a week and have before and after care. We won't be able to have Ella in dance anymore or Daisy Scouts, Alex's soccer or other extra-curricular stuff will be out too... ... and then there's Max.

I'm struggling with this. Mainly because of Max. He still has so much going on that I feel like no one can coordinate his care like I can. I know he's doing great and growing and strong, but he's still that baby that I left in hospital. He doesn't walk yet, he can't talk well, he may still face another surgery. Now that he's mine, I have a hard time letting ANYONE else take care of him. He has doctor's appointments all the time and therapy every week, and we have to work with him daily on the physical therapy and speech and feeding and he has a difficult balance between the formula and fluid and MIRALAX and more... I've seen it every single day of his life and to rely on someone else for that, scares me.

It's a lot that we're working to sort out right now. It's the most traumatic thing we've faced since leaving the NICU. It's hard, but it will be worth it. We know that we are blessed just to have Max with us. God was gracious enough to let us have Max, to keep him alive this far and to sustain us financially until we had him on more solid footing. He has helped us find out way through this so far and we trust that he'll continue to do so.

Pray for us to find the answers to make this work. Pray for all of us to be able to handle the changes that are inevitable and to learn a new normal. We've had a lot of different normals in the past year, but as a family, we've been able to adjust and adapt and stick together to make it through. Pray for the kids. Troy and I understand all this and why we have to make changes, but for kids it's hard. You can't reason or rationalize with them. I dread telling Ella that she can't dance anymore and telling Alex that he has to go to a different school. I can't imagine telling them if we have to move. I don't want either of them to resent us or Max... but we're doing the best we can.... to make it work, for all of us.