Hands on

She waited 58 long days, actually longer if you count the days since Christmas morning, when Ella found out she was going to be a big sister, again.

She was thrilled, she'd been asking for another baby for months and couldn't wait to hold her baby brother or sister.

She had a great test run when Sophia's new brother, Jack, was born. Miss Kimmie was brave enough to let Ella hold him several times now and she's been just wonderful at it! She is gentle and slow in her movements. She holds him and kisses his head.

You could see it from her first days with baby dolls, how she cradles them in her arms and rocks them and sings to them and still doesn't go to bed at night without making sure he babies are all covered up and dressed in their jammies and tucked in. She really is quite the little mother.

So I guess one of the hardest things for Ella, aside from the fact that she's seeing much less of Mommy these days while I'm at the hospital, and that she's being passed around from friend to friend is that she hasn't been able to hold and hug and love and kiss or even touch her new baby brother.

That all changed today.

Max has moved to an open crib. The top is up on his isolette and he's swaddled in a blanket. He's accessible, and not separated from us by the plexiglass. Ella has been asking recently to hold him and kiss him and so when I had a mommy meltdown meeting earlier this week with the NICU Director of nursing, I asked.

She said Ella can hold his hand and touch him and help me when I hold him. And someday soon, maybe after he's off the ventilator, she can sit in the chair (with our supervision of course) and hold him. This is huge for her! Much like her mommy, Ella wants to do as much as they'll let her do. Daddy may not want to hold Max while he's on the vent, but Ella is raring to go!

So today, when we stopped by for a visit, Daddy lifter her up and she went in for her first touch. It was sweet and precious and a moment that I know I'll never forget. She was timid at first... not sure exactly how he'd feel, how he'd react... but then once she laid her fingers ever so gently on his head, she knew this is what she'd been waiting for. She stoked his head, told him "your big sister is here baby Max and I love you so, so, so, so much." I was trying to get a picture through my tears. Thank goodness our nurse, Jenn, had tissues close by!

She let Alex have a quick turn too, but he was more interested in hanging over the bed for a closer look at all the "stuff" hooked up to Max. He wasn't quite ready to touch, but he did want to be lifted up several times to see his baby brother. Ella couldn't get enough, she wanted to stay with me to hold him, but we'll save that for another day.

This was just the first, of many times we hope for Ella to make her own physical connection with her new baby brother. It's something I've dreamed of seeing and have been so afraid that we wouldn't because Max wouldn't survive. That fear is there, always looming because no one can give us that reassurance. Not just a fear for us, but for the kids. They may be little, but they already have such love for Max. He's part of our family, and their lives... even if he's not home.. YET.