Slow and steady...

We are in this marathon with Max for the duration. Some days, it feels like we'll never get to the finish line, but other days, while we're still panting and sweating along, we think we might be getting our second wind.

Today and yesterday have been good days for Mr. Max. He's grown, while he lost weight at birth, he is now back above his birth weight of 2 lbs. 2 ozs at 2 lbs. 3 ozs. He graduated to a bigger ventilator tube today which should help him to improve his lungs and switch to a breathing aid (called a CPAP) which doesn't have to go into his throat and will finally allow us to hear him cry.

He was able to have the final line removed from his umbilical artery which means he'll soon have a belly button like other babies' and it puts him one step closer to being held by Mommy and Daddy.

It's the day I'm waiting for, but also the day I fear. It almost happened today, we were so close and while I was excited, I was scared too. He is so tiny and fragile!!! What if he has trouble with the ventilator? (they say some babies can experience that when they're doing "kangaroo care" for the first time) what if I can't keep myself from crying? will that scare him? what if I get more attached to him than I already am? I've been holding my breath, waiting to hold him and hoping that the first time wouldn't be when he stopped breathing and we lost him. Now that it's closer to becoming a reality, I find myself even more afraid of what's next.

That's my fear for his brother and sister too. They may finally get to come into the NICU next week and see him, in person for the first time. It's been a burden and a blessing not having them there. So far, it's not been too real for them. They see the photos, but that's all he is, a photo, the baby they've been waiting for, but haven't met yet, so in their little minds, it's almost like he's not real. Once they see his room, see all the machines and tubes, see how tiny he really is, it won't be make believe anymore. I don't want them to be afraid, and I've debated whether it's right for them to see him just yet. But they do ask about him everyday and they ask to see him. I know they love him already and even though we are still at great risk of losing him, I want them to know that he's a part of our family and I want them to see how precious and special he is.

It's a slow and steady struggle that we continue to face everyday, but for now, we welcome it. I am so encouraged and hopeful as Max makes those slow and steady steps toward coming home to us. I'll wait every day that I have to just to get him here, in our house with his family.