Today, when I arrived in the NICU, I learned we'd be moving to our third room since Max was born 117 days ago. We're on the new unit now, just opened last month. It's a beautiful new room with fish and friends on the walls, a window view, and plenty of space. Max is 8 lbs. 11 ozs tonight. He's eating 6-8 times a day, breathing on his own, preparing for his fifth surgery Friday and there is talk of him going home. It was a happy day and it felt like a new beginning for Max.
But tears came as we packed his things and left room 33 empty. That's the room where Max fought for his life and where he won. It's the room where little Lilli lived, for the 10 short weeks of her life, and the room where milk from her Mommy helped save our Max. I've always felt a little of Lilli in that room and I was sad leaving today. It was like Max was moving on and while I was so proud and thrilled for him, I was sad for Nicole. Sad that Lilli never grew as healthy and strong as Max is today, sad that she never saw the light at the end of
the tunnel that we are finally not afraid to think and talk about.I think of how many times we thought we would lose Max. How many days and nights we spent in that room watching over him, holding him and praying for his life to be spared. I can only imagine that Nicole did the same and I was sad that she left that room under such different circumstances. I was sad that Lilli didn't get to make the same move, toward going home.
Max is still drinking Nicole's milk today. It's because of her loss and her generous spirit that Max is big and strong and healthier. I can't look at him and not think about how we got here.
We are looking forward with excitement and joy. But we also look back, with a bit of sadness. We are eternally grateful for the gift of Max.
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