One year of my Max

I'm still amazed that he's here and he's mine. For so long, he wasn't ours. It was like we had a baby, and that baby died a little bit.. on the same day. We couldn't hold him, we could touch him only when someone said it was okay, we couldn't speak very often, we couldn't feed or change him or do anything to help him... he wasn't really ours.

I was preparing myself... to never really have him. To never take him home, to never hold him while he was alive, to never see him smile, hear him say Mommy, to never see him grow. I know that children are never really ours. They are God's and he just loans them to us. I had to accept that with Max, he might not every really be ours to raise... but God had other plans.

He became mine... in little bits and pieces. When I held him for the first time, when I first saw him smile, when I fed him his first bottle, when I first heard him cry, when we brought him home, when he first called for "Mum Mum," when he grabs my hair and pulls me to his face and opens his mouth wide to give me kisses, and today... when he celebrated his first birthday. He is really mine.. and for every moment that God gives me with him.. I'm grateful.

When I went to sleep last night, I couldn't help but remember where I was a year ago. Lying in that hospital bed, not yet contracting, not yet realizing that my whole life was about to be ripped apart. When I woke this morning... I couldn't wait to see him and realize how far we've come in this past year. I couldn't take my eyes or my hands of him today. When I sang happy birthday this morning, I couldn't help but cry.. because I never knew if we'd make it this far. When we took him for his first haircut today I didn't even remember the camera.... because it's just another milestone that I was never all that sure of.

Tonight, we fed him some macaroni and fruit loops and finally his favorite Dippin Dots ice cream. We sang and blew out the candle and he smiled and LOVED it! ... and so did we. Troy and I both kissed right after our family helped blow out that candle. And almost on cue, we both said "Happy Birthday." Because this year is really a celebration for all of us. It's a year we didn't know if we'd get and a year that we would NEVER take back.

One year later... Max is here. He is growing. He is learning. He is loving. He is loved. He is mine and I am so grateful just to be able to hold him and kiss him and love him and know that God has blessed us with the chance to have him as part of our family.

This was a bit of a ramble tonight... but it's been an emotional day... now I'll share some of the cute photos of our boy.