PTSD... my first flashback

Seriously, I thought the nurse was nuts when she warned me that I'd have flashbacks sometime after we left the hospital... until last night.

Troy handed me the paperwork for our Missouri Income Tax return, and I freaked out. My heart was racing, I was nervous, anxious, and within about 10 minutes, I was crying. The thought of mailing those taxes again... just like I did a year ago... just like when my water broke... was too scary.

I couldn't do it. I was afraid and it just all came flooding back. I guess for me, that's the moment everything changed. It all went wrong when that warm water ran down my leg... I knew I hadn't wet my pants. I knew something horrible was happening. But I was alone with the 2 kids and I couldn't panic or show fear or cry... I just had to stay calm, call the doctor, call Troy and get to the hospital.

From that moment, nothing would be okay, nothing would be the same... my normal, third, final pregnancy was ending... and there was nothing I could do about it.

It took me months to go back to that post office. I just did in pre-Christmas to mail a package. But going back, to mail the same MO taxes again, was more than I could handle. Troy offered to mail them for me... but I just picked a different post office today... and I used the drive through slot.

It's all good, but also, good to know that those triggers will be there from time to time. I just look at Max now and know that everything is so different, and so much better than it was a year ago.

Here's a fabulous article that our wonderful NICU nurse Jenn shared with me: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/25/health/25trau.html