MORTIFIED!!!

Alex started preschool this spring. It' s a wonderful Christian preschool, the same place where Ella went for two years. We are so blessed to have them helping to teach our children, not only their ABC's, but the values and beliefs which Troy and I both grew up with. I'm just hoping Alex doesn't get us booted outta there!!!

Yesterday, in art class, they drew self portraits. Alex did a great job making a face, head, teeth, eyes, even a big circle, which he told me was his forehead. Conformist that I am, I failed to look at the back of his paper.

Troy asked him about the drawing on the back, and he said it was his legs. Okay, long lines with some sort of an appendage at the bottom, I see it. But why were there three I asked? Not a leg. He's drawn his pee pee!!! I can only imagine what those wonderful teachers are thinking of him... and us!

The power of persuasion= storage in my dining room

Somehow, Alex roped my dad, Papa into buying him a new swing set this weekend. It's HUGE, 2 stories tall with a playhouse, a tube slide and room for 3 swings.



He and Ella have been saying they're too big for our current swing set.. and they're probably right. But we couldn't afford a new one and so we said no.

Alex doesn't give up. He was sure he'd get Papa on his side on this one. The kid was relentless! Everyday this weekend, he'd ask "when are we gonna go see the swing Papa? I'm big now!" Finally, on Sunday morning, Papa gave in!

Troy called from the weekly Costco run to let me know Papa had bought the swing set and he'd need to come back later to haul the 6 boxes home.

It was a tight fit, but we got it all in the car and got it home. Unfortunately, this is a rainy week, and it's supposed to take 15+ hours to assemble this monster! We also need to get about 6 cubic feet of mulch spread out, get our utility lines marked so we can dig for the anchor posts, top that off with the fact that Troy is having surgery this Friday and won't be able to kneel for at least 2 weeks post surgery, and well, we're screwed.

I have 6 giant boxes holding a fabulous swing set stowed in my dining room. They won't fit down the basement stairs, we can't put them in the garage and fit 2 cars and they're predicting thunderstorms with hail, so ... there you go. No fine dining for the next month.. but the house does have wonderful cedar scent!

PTSD... my first flashback

Seriously, I thought the nurse was nuts when she warned me that I'd have flashbacks sometime after we left the hospital... until last night.

Troy handed me the paperwork for our Missouri Income Tax return, and I freaked out. My heart was racing, I was nervous, anxious, and within about 10 minutes, I was crying. The thought of mailing those taxes again... just like I did a year ago... just like when my water broke... was too scary.

I couldn't do it. I was afraid and it just all came flooding back. I guess for me, that's the moment everything changed. It all went wrong when that warm water ran down my leg... I knew I hadn't wet my pants. I knew something horrible was happening. But I was alone with the 2 kids and I couldn't panic or show fear or cry... I just had to stay calm, call the doctor, call Troy and get to the hospital.

From that moment, nothing would be okay, nothing would be the same... my normal, third, final pregnancy was ending... and there was nothing I could do about it.

It took me months to go back to that post office. I just did in pre-Christmas to mail a package. But going back, to mail the same MO taxes again, was more than I could handle. Troy offered to mail them for me... but I just picked a different post office today... and I used the drive through slot.

It's all good, but also, good to know that those triggers will be there from time to time. I just look at Max now and know that everything is so different, and so much better than it was a year ago.

Here's a fabulous article that our wonderful NICU nurse Jenn shared with me: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/25/health/25trau.html

One year of my Max

I'm still amazed that he's here and he's mine. For so long, he wasn't ours. It was like we had a baby, and that baby died a little bit.. on the same day. We couldn't hold him, we could touch him only when someone said it was okay, we couldn't speak very often, we couldn't feed or change him or do anything to help him... he wasn't really ours.

I was preparing myself... to never really have him. To never take him home, to never hold him while he was alive, to never see him smile, hear him say Mommy, to never see him grow. I know that children are never really ours. They are God's and he just loans them to us. I had to accept that with Max, he might not every really be ours to raise... but God had other plans.

He became mine... in little bits and pieces. When I held him for the first time, when I first saw him smile, when I fed him his first bottle, when I first heard him cry, when we brought him home, when he first called for "Mum Mum," when he grabs my hair and pulls me to his face and opens his mouth wide to give me kisses, and today... when he celebrated his first birthday. He is really mine.. and for every moment that God gives me with him.. I'm grateful.

When I went to sleep last night, I couldn't help but remember where I was a year ago. Lying in that hospital bed, not yet contracting, not yet realizing that my whole life was about to be ripped apart. When I woke this morning... I couldn't wait to see him and realize how far we've come in this past year. I couldn't take my eyes or my hands of him today. When I sang happy birthday this morning, I couldn't help but cry.. because I never knew if we'd make it this far. When we took him for his first haircut today I didn't even remember the camera.... because it's just another milestone that I was never all that sure of.

Tonight, we fed him some macaroni and fruit loops and finally his favorite Dippin Dots ice cream. We sang and blew out the candle and he smiled and LOVED it! ... and so did we. Troy and I both kissed right after our family helped blow out that candle. And almost on cue, we both said "Happy Birthday." Because this year is really a celebration for all of us. It's a year we didn't know if we'd get and a year that we would NEVER take back.

One year later... Max is here. He is growing. He is learning. He is loving. He is loved. He is mine and I am so grateful just to be able to hold him and kiss him and love him and know that God has blessed us with the chance to have him as part of our family.

This was a bit of a ramble tonight... but it's been an emotional day... now I'll share some of the cute photos of our boy.

Yummy... not BLAAAGH!

Max has been struggling with finger foods. He just has such a sensitive gag reflex that everything, even mashed potatoes or a Cheerio would come right back out.

Finally, we found two things he'll eat. Dippin' Dots ice cream... in fact, he'll scream if you give him some and he doesn't think it's enough.



Also, he likes the Gerber puffs which are apple maple flavored. (see photos below) They're like a puffy Cheeto, but very mild tasting for babies and they dissolve almost immediately. He smelled like a giant pancake when he was done, but he ate about a dozen!

Our Dancing Queen...

Ella had quite a weekend! It was her second and final dance competition of the year and she's pretty happy about that. I think, doing two different dances this year, as well as juggling kindergarten, Daisy Scouts, etc... is a bit much.

She's been asking to quit dancing and we've agreed that she can do that if she wants, but she had to finish the season, because her company was counting on her to be part of the two dances she had committed to. The only performance she has left, is recital in early June.

She just seems worn out and I think it may be time to take a few weeks or even the summer off and let her just have more down time.

But this weekend, she had dance fever! Miss Jessica chose Ella to be team captain for her "Bieber Babies" dance. (they alternate and take turns with the girls) This meant Ella would claim any prizes the mini company won for that dance. It was HUGE honor for her. Unfortunately, the awards didn't happen until 9:30 Saturday night. We were lucky to have a late start. We didn't have to show up at the convention center until around 2.

"Jesus Loves Me" costume was very sweet, but "itchy."

Things were running early, so she quickly dressed and practiced and performed her "Jesus Loves Me" dance with the lyrical group. Awards were a couple of hours later and Daddy was able to show up just before with her brothers, a bouquet of flowers, and some dinner!

Her Bieber Babies costume nearly led to Daddy pulling her out of dance... a little too grown-up.

She danced the "Bieber Babies" number around 7:00 and most of the girls left to go home. We saw her teacher, Miss Jessica and she told us it would be late and it was TOTALLY OK for us to go home and let one of the older girls claim the award, but Ella wouldn't hear of it! "MOM! I'm team captain, I have to be here!" So we stayed and watched, and finally ate our dinner and waited. Awards actually started a little early. I was afraid Ella would just doze off up there, because the awards can take more than an hour and they're just sitting on stage. But she did great! She danced and celebrated with the big girls from her studio.

When they called her dance out, she claimed not only a platinum trophy, but a big trophy for second overall high score in her age group! She was thrilled!

Look at all the hardware she got to bring home for the night and take for show and tell as team captain!

We also discovered she had her first loose tooth that night, so a big night overall for miss Ella. Still no word if she plans to quit dance. She was sick Monday and had to miss class... actually everyone was sick... but every time they perform, she has such a blast, she seems to forget about wanting to quit... at least for a little while. She does want to dance in her school talent show next month... so maybe she's not quite done yet.

Why I walk...

We're less than a month away from the March for Babies.. please consider a donation in celebration of Max's 1st birthday!

This video really says it all for us....

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com