... and again.

I'd say we can't seem to catch a break... but in reality, I know we've caught plenty. We're lucky to have Max here at all. We're lucky to have two other happy, healthy children. Troy and I are lucky to have one another.

Even since Max was born, we were lucky that he was bigger than he should have been, that his skin was stronger and thicker, that his brain bleed was minimal and resolved itself, that his vision is not a problem, that he can hear, that so far all of his problems even the life threatening ones, have been treatable, We've never had to face something that they just can't fix.

We are lucky. But some days I just feel like Max has a giant rain cloud over that crib of his! I want so much to get him home to a normal life in his bedroom in our living room with our family, surrounded every minute of everyday by the people who love him most. I knew better than to get my hopes up. But when the doctor told us it could happen in a week or two, I was finally excited. I should have known that other shoe was waiting to drop.

So yesterday, when the doctor told me she had noticed the hydrocele (fluid in his scrotum) on both sides, I was concerned. When she said she was worried that those hydroceles were hiding hernias, I was worried today. Today, when they did the ultrasound and found the 2 inguinal hernias, well let's just say I had a RANGE of emotions.

ANGER: How could this happen? He's had 3 bowel surgeries, a circumcision, and NEVER an ultrasound, how could this be missed until now? (turns out these don't usually present themselves until the testicles drop into the scrotum around the last 2 weeks of pregnancy and guess where we are?)

FEAR: What would another surgery mean to Max? He'll go back on the ventilator, stop eating, have more incisions which risk infection, his airway could be endangered because of the already traumatic intubation (sp?) he had for his most recent surgery. Plus, we just found this, what else could be in that little body, lurking and we don't know about it??

SADNESS: Poor little Max, how much can his body stand? Hernias hurt, is he in pain? He HATED being without food and back on the vent for his last surgery. How can we put him through that again?

FRUSTRATION: What the heck is going on! How in the world are we supposed to survive this? Seriously, Troy and I NEVER have time for one another, the kids have basically been abandoned for the summer, Ella is starting kindergarten and 2 and a half weeks and Alex starts preschool in a month. I've missed our last summer before they both go off to school like big kids and I'll never get this time back. How hard is it for them, will they forgive us for having to sacrifice this time with them to be there to help Max while he's so fragile?

WORRY and DOUBT: Will we EVER get to bring him home. Really? It's been 105 days, and every time he makes it over one hurdle, another one hops right out in front of us. Will he ever be a normal child? Will we every hold him, play with him toss him in the air, like his brother and sister? When can we stop worrying, and just enjoy him?

My wish was to get him home, before school starts for Ella in August. Even if it's just for a couple of days. I REALLY wanted just a day or two, for our family to feel normal to do normal things. To eat together, play together, snuggle and sleep together in the same house. For all of us, I wanted it, even for just a little bit, to feel like we thought it would, when we found out we were having a baby. Today, I felt like that might be impossible.

I want to run and hide and just bury my head under a pillow for a few days or weeks and just cry until I'm over it. But you can't do that with a preemie, and family and a husband. They need me, Max needs me and I need them. We'll get through it, just like we always do, together. But today, it's hard.