Control Freak

I blame in on being a big sister. It all started with bossing my little brother around. I had control and I loved it! I became an obsessive compulsive (and proud) news producer who wanted control of that entire newcast... the line-up, the timing, the look, everything! Next, I was a wife and mother who thrived on the organization, scheduling and craziness of a family. My first priority has been the kids. (and Troy of course, but throw him some Cheez-Its and a few gummy bears and he's happy) I shuttle, schedule, clean, dress, play, teach and try to make their lives the best possible.

Then came Max. The hardest thing, since my water broke on April 14 was relinquishing complete control, of almost everything! I couldn't stop my body from laboring, I couldn't stop Max from coming early, I couldn't make him healthy, I couldn't care for him, I couldn't feed him, I couldn't hold him, I couldn't take him home, I couldn't do much of anything... except watch, wait, hope and pray that someday I'd get that baby I'd carried for the last 6+ months. That's what I'm still doing.

Most days, it's agonizing. Max's life is in the hands of people I didn't choose, didn't know before he was born. Some of them, we've come to know pretty well, and they've come to know Max. But, we meet new people everyday, and it's hard for me to just hand over care of my precious boy. Do they know him, do they anticipate his needs, will they comfort him, are they responding to his cues. Are we doing everything possible to get him the best care possible? Should we do more or something different?

I can't even tell you how many doubts this raises for me as a mom. It's just not natural. If Max were a normal, full-term, healthy baby, he'd be at home with us now. I'd be taking care of his every need (with Troy's help of course) and we'd be able to hold him, touch him, bond with him at our leisure. Instead, I ask to touch him, schedule holding him and changing his diaper, offer to do anything else they'll let me to care for him, and since he can't eat yet, I pump what I can and hope that someday I'll get to feed him.

I don't think you can explain this to someone who hasn't been through it, but it's weird, awkward and painful. It's un-natural for a mommy. I think it's un-natural for our family as a whole. Ella is upset and sad, because she wants to hold Max. She needs to hold her baby brother, just like she holds Sophie's baby brother. She begs us to go and get him and bring him home right now. I asked about it at the hospital today, and we are going to be able to arrange for her to sit with me sometime soon, while I hold Max and help me love on him. Once he's off the ventilator, maybe we can arrange for he to sit on my lap and hold her brother. It's something she's been wanting to do since she found out I was pregnant. It's hard to explain to a 4 year-old why that can't happen. To her, it's just so devastating.

This is a phase of our lives that's put every one's plans and dreams on hold.... and I'll be glad when it's over.